Preparing for the End.


As you all know, we’re about to run out of all materials that we can convert to energy, and the sun will soon fizzle into a cold, lifeless lump of sky-coal. There’s not much you can do about it, either, unless you’ve spent the last three years digging a subterranean vault into which you, your family (if they’re not pricks) and some foodstuffs can be stowed. I, personally, have been learning to grow fluorescent mushrooms, which are the only plants that seem to have taken to my new home. That’s beside the point.

We’re doomed. I’m a endhead, and if you’re smart, you’ll be a endhead too. It might not be too late to convert. After all, we’ve been predicting this for a while and the exact date of The End Of All Things has been slippery, so far. Might I suggest the Leica PowerDigger to get you started on your first underground life-castle. Or, for the poorer of you out there, for whom preparing for The Absolute Finality is a bit harder, try the more economical Fiskar Long Handle, which I know my personal servants have said good things about.

The bitter irony here is that I’m probably wasting my time writing this: very few of you will follow my wise and relatively-inexpensive advice, and thus I am essentially writing for an audience of corpses. This should make me sad, but I’ve been eating those glowing mushrooms, so most of my emotions now manifest as prolonged bouts of quacking.

That said, I suppose I’m posting this on the off-chance that someone wants the spare room I’ve to let in my anti-death fortifications. After I convert my servants into Soylent Green, there’ll be plenty of food and heat long after our planet becomes a ball of lifeless ice. I’m only accepting female applicants, as I’d like to sire a generation or two of children who can struggle on for a few more hope-crushing years, and die looking out into a starless, black void.

Links that might save you when The World Comes Falling Down On Our Heads.

Food Insurance (as recommended on The Glenn Beck Radio Eternity — includes beef stroganoff.)

Water Preserver Concentrate (each unit good for 55 gallons. Keeps water drinkable for 5 years. Excellent purchase for those of you who were not able to drill your new homes near a source of fresh water.)

Emergency Crank-Powered Radio (So that you can laugh about what idiots all those corpses aboveground are with your fellow surviving Endheads!)

S.O.L. medical kit (Because dying from a nasty cut after you’ve outlived everyone else is kind of a stupid way to go.)

Deluxe Non-Hybrid Emergency Seed Bank (Great if you have artificial sunlight and a fleet of electricity-generating exercise bikes, + servants to power them. Probably does not include glowing mushrooms.)


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